she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
