Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
