I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
