Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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