my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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