Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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