i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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