That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
