Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
