I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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