I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
