i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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