White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
