sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Randomize
