Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
