sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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