I wish they made helmets for livers.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
