I'm drive I can fine osifer
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
