I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
