I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
