she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
