6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
