If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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