Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
