I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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