I wish my penis had an off switch
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
