Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
