I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
