woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
