garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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