You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
