the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
