I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
