A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
