My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
