Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
