Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
