Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
