i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
