why do cheetos always look like penises
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
