I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mouth tastes like poor choices
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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