Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
