DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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