i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
