Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
