You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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