wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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