Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
