the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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