Grow some girl-balls and come out already
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
